Monday, September 27, 2010

Biting my tongue

I worked for a small consulting/recruiting firm more than a few years ago; one of the things I wrote for them was a list of horrible responses to typical interview questions. I thought that the shock of the wrong answers would stress the importance of the right answers. Now that I'm interviewing again, I've got these worst-case scenarios in my consciousness and only have myself to blame...

Tell us a little bit about yourself.

No can do, compadre. You might find out too much. And then...could we truly be friends?

What has interested you about our company and makes you want to work here?
My friend, does anybody on God's Green Earth really want to work? Here's the thing. I've got these collection agencies calling me day and night, and these guys with baseball bats wanting to wring a little 'settlement' money out of me if you know what I'm saying...

What brought you to your current profession?
I chose this field as a cover for my covert operations. I'm a spy. Don't tell a soul. If questioned, say only that you briefly encountered 'The Squid' and you can't remember his face. Now...goodbye! (for full effect, run from the office covering your face with your suit jacket).

What are some of your strengths?
I'm a detail oriented, highly motivated and diplomatic individual who faces every challenge with a song! (sings) Work work work, don't be a jerk, there's nothing more fun than biz-ness...

What are some of your weaknesses?
Geez...are you sure you've got the time? And I hope you've got a strong stomach. Some of them get a little grisly.

Describe your work style.
I used to give 110%, 24/7. But my last boss told me that 75% was an ample percentage to cope with, so I split the difference and started giving 92.5% with an hour off for lunch.

What did you like about your previous job?
All those free office supplies. Look at this belt. It's made of paper clips. Free paper clips!

List your responsibilities in your previous position.
Hey. My first responsibility is to myself, babe

Why did you leave your last job?
I didn't really leave, per ce. I was chased away by my co-workers. They were wielding pitchforks and torches, screaming 'Unclean!' in my direction.

What can you offer this company?
(lift an eyebrow suggestively, lower your voice to a sultry, breathy purr) Let's just say I have an 'active imagination'...

What are your salary expections?
What do you make? C'mon, dish!

What can you contribute to our workforce?
By the time I show up at work bathed and dressed, I think you've seen just how brightly I can shine.

How do you handle stress?
(bring out a small sock puppet shaped like a rabbit) Mr. Bunny and I deal with stress very well, don't we Mr. Bunny? Yes we do...

How do you cope with conflicting deadlines?
Give me a cold martini and I can handle anything! don't have any martooney mixings handy, do you?

How do you deal with projects that didn't go the way you wanted?
Once I found somebody to blame, it was all good with yours truly.

September 2010


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